l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux

I can feel myself growing up. I'm not yet sure how to feel about that. When I turned twenty a few months ago I was so against being a "grown up" and I was so upset that I could no longer claim to be just "a stupid teenager." What I'm now trying to come to terms with is the fact that one can grow up and be a mature human being without becoming a "grown up." At least, I hope that is a fact.

This post and the last post are both products of the fact that I started seeing a therapist. The funny thing is, at this point, I've only been there once. My next appointment is next week. I hope that by starting to pinpoint the reasons I see the world the way I do will help me cope with that. I don't want to change that, necessarily, I just want to cope. I think that's all people can really do.

But I digress.

I grew up when I was in fifth grade or so, around the time my parents got divorced. The separation was not handled well (a fact that I identified about a year ago), and I was placed in the position of picking up the slack my parents left. When I was at dad's house I played the role of mom. When I was at mom's house I played dad. To this day I feel that my brother regards me as a parent figure a little bit. I've made an effort to become friends with him but I think I'll always be an "authority" to him.

I grew up a little more when I switched from the public school system to a private school for my freshman year of high school. I remember feeling oddly out of place because I had never before been in a private school. I also remember feeling a little uncomfortable with just how many white people were around me. My grade school, when I went there, had an almost seventy percent Asian (and mostly Hmong) student body. My middle school was also very diverse. I think the fact that in high school I found one of the few people from a rougher neighborhood and became best friends with him is telling.

When I got to college I was told, by many people, that I don't act my age. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been mistaken for being older than I am. It's flattering, yes, but at a certain point I just wish I could be a kid forever. I've met a number of people who are very mature and intelligent, but still kids at heart. I love being around these people because when I'm with them I don't feel old. They get my energy moving and I finally start feeling like I'm getting back some of the childhood that I missed by forcing myself to grow up to cope with my parents needing me to be grown up.

What I've been trying (and probably failing) to get at with this post is this: I want to be content with growing up because I know I'll still keep my curiosity and sense of play. At the very least I want to be a grown up who won't try to snuff out the kid I find in the people I meet. And especially the children I meet. They deserve their childhood.