my Church is the Water; my Home is underneath the Shady Pine

There are some days that feel so awful that it seems nothing will salvage it. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling off all day and then the incident I wrote of yesterday occurred. I wasn't hurt by the comment, really, but a chunk was taken out of my faith in humanity. It hurt more knowing that there are people who are able to sleep at night and act like total pricks during the day. So I went about the rest of the day feeling upset and lonely.

One of the drawbacks of living on campus during the summer is it is very easy to fall into a rut seeing the same people day after day. I love my roommate and the few friends I have on campus, but occasionally I feel like I'm missing everything going on elsewhere.

Here's where my day completely turned around: I made a few phone calls and was able to talk to my friend Gringo for a solid twenty minutes. That doesn't sound like much, but we haven't been able to talk or hang out since early June (I think - it's been awhile at any rate). It was comforting knowing there are other people in the universe. I was also able to talk to my good friend Miss Molly and Carly. Miss Molly is at home in South Dakota, near the boarder of SoDak and Wyoming. Carly is in a suburb of the Twin Cities, but I don't see or hear from her nearly enough.

I'm not good at being on the phone. I find myself easily distracted an inexplicably nervous, especially if it's someone I don't know well, so three phone calls, the shortest of which was ten minutes, were a big step for me. I felt good making an effort to feel more connected, rather than just wallowing in my own self pity and loneliness. For me, not calling is often easier than calling someone. I'm making progress toward being a functioning adult, while not becoming a grownup.


Remember that book list I had on here awhile ago? I haven't made any progress on that one, but I am finally reading Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau. I'm excited because one of my dreams is to own a cabin in Northern Minnesota, near a small town, where I can simply live and work. I don't necessarily want to cut myself off from humanity, but the idea of living in a relatively peaceful place where I can retreat is a wonderful fantasy of mine. I'd like to have a small cabin where I can live and a shed or studio of some sort where I can work. That's important to me, to be able to separate living from working.

If anyone is interested, I suggest we pool our resources and get a large plot of land on a small lake. We can each have a cabin and we can have a larger communal working space. A commune of sorts. Collaborative works as well as individual projects will all be encouraged. I just love this idea. A headquarters for the CHURCH of the PAGAN POETS.

So, I guess that means I'm fat?

Sometimes situations are just so absurd that I can't quite understand how or why they happened. Today I had an encounter that lasted less than seven seconds and was utterly ridiculous. I was out running and was near a grade school when I saw a minivan approaching. Nothing out of the ordinary until a man leaned out the rear passenger window and proceeded to stare at me. When the van drew even with me he shouted, "Your tits bounce more than a girl's!"

What. The. Fuck.

I'm just glad that any self esteem issues I have little to nothing to do with my weight. Dumb. Just dumb.

Movies, movies, movies.

I realized today that I had not actually posted the tract as I said I would. If you go to the previous post (titled, "there's still half of summer left!"), it's at the end, where I promised it would be originally. I apologize for being delinquent.


I watched Howl's Moving Castle last night. It was originally recommended to me because I like the movie Spirited Away. I was underwhelmed by Howl's Moving Castle, mostly because Spirited Away is such a stellar film. If you have seen neither film, both are very good, though for your money, Spirited Away is a much better film.

Speaking of films I've seen recently, Slam and SlamNation are both great. Slam was written, in part, by Saul Williams, who also stars. SlamNation is a documentary about the 1996 National Poetry Slam. Saul Williams is also in this one, though in a much smaller role. It's hard to compare the two considering they are from entirely different genres but, of the two, SlamNation was my favorite. I enjoyed the diversity of the poetry.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is next on my list of films to watch. I recently discovered the DVDs in my school's library and, despite the fact that they're being re-shelved so the majority of the titles are off of the shelves, I've found these gems and I plan to go back. I've also managed to fuck the system and keep them a full two days longer than normal. Checking them out on a Wednesday means that they aren't due until the following Monday. Take that three day policy! It's not actually fucking the system in anyway, but it's a way around it. Not that I ever actually watch a film more than once in a week. To me, that feels like a waste of time.

In that spirit, any suggestions for films I should see? I can't guarantee that they'll be in the library, or accessible at the moment but it's worth a shot.

There's still half of summer left!

I've been ill. I don't know exactly what I did but my legs and lower back ache worse than I've ever felt and my throat hurts. I actually had to leave work early because the pain became unbearable. I took some medication and I'm feeling better. I can only hope that the pain goes away before tomorrow. At the very least I'd like it to subside a little.

For the past two weeks I've been house sitting with my summer roommate for one of our theatre professors. She was in Italy for a directing conference. Today was our last day, which means that tonight is our first night in our dorm room since about two weeks ago. Somehow it had become a mess without us even being here. I've spent the evening straightening up and reorganizing. My desk looks lovely. The only thing missing is a typewriter. If you know of anyone who has a typewriter they're willing to part with, I'd love to know.

I should have mentioned this ages ago, but I suppose now is as good a time as any. A few months ago I found out about a project called The Tract House by Lisa Anne Auerbach. I thought it sounded like a really cool project and I decided to write my own tract and send it to her. My tract is the ninth one down in the third column (it can also be seen at the end of this post). It's called "A Call Into My Arms." I'm very proud of it. Please, print it out and give it to your friends. I also encourage you to print any of the other tracts that inspire you in any way. There are some absolutely stellar pieces, and some horrendous ones as well. All are fun to look at, however. Ms. Auerbach sent me a package with one of each of the tracts as well as twenty-five or so of my own. She included a very sweet handwritten note thanking me for my contribution.

It's halfway through summer and, as such, the second summer school session has started here which means my Introduction to Stage Combat course has started. I'm sure I'll have some interesting stories to share once the really fun stuff gets underway. Today we simply had an introduction to the course and watched a film called By the Sword featuring Mia Sara aka Ferris Bueller's girlfriend, Sloan. She's rather attractive in an early '9os sort of way. The class is small and should prove to be physically taxing, but incredibly rewarding.

I Am OK (I Promise)

I just bought an address book. After months of writing addresses down on scraps of paper (and inevitably losing those scraps), I finally found myself a little black book. It actually says "my little black book" on the cover. I have ways of taking care of that. I'm excited about this purchase. I've been writing more and more letters of late and I've been enjoying it more and more. I feel like a "professional" now, as silly as that sounds.

Some of my friends from high school visited me last night. It was wonderful just drinking beer, telling jokes and talking. It's been awhile since I've felt that sense of comfort with a group of people. It was nice to be reminded of that.

I am content. For the time being, I am content.