Water Weighted her Wings

There's a storm rolling through right now and I absolutely love it. It's one of those perfect storms when all the lightning is just on the horizon, all of the thunder is distant and, every now and again, wind blows water from the leaves on the trees giving the illusion that the rain has begun to fall harder. I sat outside under an awning and simply watched the patterns of the lighting in the clouds. It almost looks playful, like a game of tag, until you see a particularly sharp edged fork of electricity jump from clouds to some distant object. It's in these moments that one becomes aware of the sheer power of mother nature, and is reminded of their appreciation for the earth.

On top of this, I'm feeling creative, but not manic. I had a great night last night and a productive day today, so this evening is pure contentment. The only way it could be any better is if I could curl up with someone special and watch the water bead up on the window and talk about nights like these.

my Church is the Water; my Home is underneath the Shady Pine

There are some days that feel so awful that it seems nothing will salvage it. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling off all day and then the incident I wrote of yesterday occurred. I wasn't hurt by the comment, really, but a chunk was taken out of my faith in humanity. It hurt more knowing that there are people who are able to sleep at night and act like total pricks during the day. So I went about the rest of the day feeling upset and lonely.

One of the drawbacks of living on campus during the summer is it is very easy to fall into a rut seeing the same people day after day. I love my roommate and the few friends I have on campus, but occasionally I feel like I'm missing everything going on elsewhere.

Here's where my day completely turned around: I made a few phone calls and was able to talk to my friend Gringo for a solid twenty minutes. That doesn't sound like much, but we haven't been able to talk or hang out since early June (I think - it's been awhile at any rate). It was comforting knowing there are other people in the universe. I was also able to talk to my good friend Miss Molly and Carly. Miss Molly is at home in South Dakota, near the boarder of SoDak and Wyoming. Carly is in a suburb of the Twin Cities, but I don't see or hear from her nearly enough.

I'm not good at being on the phone. I find myself easily distracted an inexplicably nervous, especially if it's someone I don't know well, so three phone calls, the shortest of which was ten minutes, were a big step for me. I felt good making an effort to feel more connected, rather than just wallowing in my own self pity and loneliness. For me, not calling is often easier than calling someone. I'm making progress toward being a functioning adult, while not becoming a grownup.


Remember that book list I had on here awhile ago? I haven't made any progress on that one, but I am finally reading Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau. I'm excited because one of my dreams is to own a cabin in Northern Minnesota, near a small town, where I can simply live and work. I don't necessarily want to cut myself off from humanity, but the idea of living in a relatively peaceful place where I can retreat is a wonderful fantasy of mine. I'd like to have a small cabin where I can live and a shed or studio of some sort where I can work. That's important to me, to be able to separate living from working.

If anyone is interested, I suggest we pool our resources and get a large plot of land on a small lake. We can each have a cabin and we can have a larger communal working space. A commune of sorts. Collaborative works as well as individual projects will all be encouraged. I just love this idea. A headquarters for the CHURCH of the PAGAN POETS.

So, I guess that means I'm fat?

Sometimes situations are just so absurd that I can't quite understand how or why they happened. Today I had an encounter that lasted less than seven seconds and was utterly ridiculous. I was out running and was near a grade school when I saw a minivan approaching. Nothing out of the ordinary until a man leaned out the rear passenger window and proceeded to stare at me. When the van drew even with me he shouted, "Your tits bounce more than a girl's!"

What. The. Fuck.

I'm just glad that any self esteem issues I have little to nothing to do with my weight. Dumb. Just dumb.